SB

Hi! Long time no see! I’m currently on the tail end of my spring break and just wanted to catch up. Spring break’s been pretty uneventful… mainly me trying to get work done ahead of time! With my internship and course load, I really should be more on top of it, but I am one of many that seem to get their best work done under a bit of pressure. It’s terrible, but you all have the same sentiments, yes? As I’m always on my iPhone toying with Instagram, I thought I’d follow with some pictures from life lately. Enjoy!

OOTN for the fundraising event the CAC had in February! Forever21 dress from 2 years ago! Love the chantilly lace action going on at the shoulders.

In addition to my internship, I’ve been working part-time with an archiving company and currently working on a family archive.

Bday staff lunch: First time having chicken n’ waffles! I am happy to report it is AMAZING.

Early bday dinner: Convincing a friend to try Korean food. One word– BULGOGI! Loved all the banchan :)

The day of the big 2-2: Mommy and daddy brought cupcakes!

Graduation is nearing, and I try not to get consumed in my thoughts. However, it’s really difficult not to, with the pressure of finding a job that satisfies my desires to make an impact in the biggest way I can. I’m one of those idealistic, “I wanna save the world” types that people make fun of. Sometimes, I find that I’m unrealistic in my expectations– I want to have the nice salary to feed my shopping habit AND do non-profit work. Is there something out there?? I feel like I have so much to offer and experiences that have prepared me, but I keep finding myself at dead ends. I have so many interests– art, fashion, women’s rights, community engagement & outreach, social media, capacity building initiatives, food, public radio, archiving, the list is endless…

Basically, I’m so over the school emails telling me how many days until graduation… it’s like rubbing the wound with salt!!

2013

It’s been a whirlwind of a 2012, you guys. Obviously, this is cliché of me to say, I mean everybody says something to this degree in summation of their year… I think. Right?

These past two weeks have been a little unsettling and concerning to me due to some spontaneous events that have come up in my family that leave me uneasy as we usher in 2013. I really, really hope that this recent “badness” is a purging of all the awful that will happen this year and that 2013 will be filled with fortune and happiness. My poor dad hasn’t been catching much luck lately it seems, and it hurts my heart so much :( Hopefully it’ll all work out and good karma will work its ways.

Personally, 2012 has been me fearing graduation and the real world. I feel like I’m inching toward knowing what I want in life/my career every single day and wish I had more time to think about my future in conjunction with concentrating on academics. My stomach gets in knots whenever I start looking for jobs, and I find so many interesting jobs but don’t know if I am as qualified as I think I am or fit the employer’s expectations. But the job descriptions make me want to work there so much! With the economy and job market faring so badly, finding a job after graduation concerns me a lot. I’m not in a position where I can really lolly-gag around for a year or do an unpaid internship so finding a job is a must. I cross my fingers for all the confidence and ambition in the world for good results by May 2013.

Through the course of 2012, I reminded myself constantly how fortunate I am to have the people I do in my life, the opportunity to be able to attend college, ingredients to bake delicious things, and spare funds to buy nice clothes and eat good food. This is a very, very short list of things I am thankful for. I have a deeper understanding of how hard my parents work for my siblings and me to have the comfortable life we live along with the supplemental help my aunt and uncle provide. So. Thankful.

In 2013, I wish for opportunities, for continuation of relationships that make me so content and joyful, and for the safety and fortune of my family. If these three things could be held constant, I would be ever so happy.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope this blog can make great[er] leaps this year :)

The most beautiful song to me at this moment. I reminds me of the happy in my life.

Scribble scrabble

Note to self. I really need to stop buying those little plastic cartons of grape tomatoes. They are not tasty at all and the label that reads “From MN” is another good indication to bolster that fact. Le sigh. I miss being at home and being able to walk outside and go to the garden to pluck a tomato off the vine or sneak some sugar snap peas into my palms for a quick snack.
I need to go stick this pumpkin granola back in the oven. It’s slightly chewy?
Coke. Zero. Nom nom nom.

I have been thinking about race and ethnicities lately.
For basically all my life, I’ve lived in an majority white middle/slightly upper-middle class suburban neighborhood. And for school, I went to a neighborhood K-8 public school which was very wholesome. In high school, diversity became something entirely awesome. Being and Asian girl, I finally met people who had “foreign” families just like me. My friends were of all colours and ethnicities. My closest friends all throughout high school were Nigerian, Indian, Pakistani, Black, Persian, and Caucasian. Within such a close group of friends I never learned that my Pakistani friend was better than my Nigerian friends or my Caucasian friends were better than my Black friends. Sure, I read about the Civil Rights Movement and the discrimination towards Chinese immigrants during the Gold Rush, but I have never personally known or experienced prejudice against the colour of my skin or my Asian decent. I’ve always followed the Golden Rule of treating others the way you want to be treated, and it’s always worked. Whenever the subject of race comes up in conversation, I usually voice that even though I have friends of so many different ethnicities, I never recognized that. Yes, our ethnicities many times defines our character and personality, but to me, my friends just represented themselves as girls that I had things in common with and had good conversations with. Even today, in college, I am entirely oblivious to race and ethnicity problems. Everyone is either a boy or a girl to me, and I really don’t see people as colours. However, attend a small, liberal arts college in the south, so the student population is a majority white. Is this a problem for me? No. Why? Because I can make friends based on their personalities, not the color of their skin.

Here’s where things start getting sticky, and I get constantly irked.  Since attending college, I’ve been called “white” copious amount of times based on where I grew up, the music I listen to, the way I dress, and etc.
Nowadays at school, I’m hesitant to say where I’m from to particular groups of people due to the comments it might attract. I didn’t choose where I got to grow up. It was a choice by my parents, and I’m glad I grew up in the neighborhood where I did. It was a healthy environment and throughout my school experiences, I’ve learned that color is not an issue. Forchristsake, just because I lived in a upper-ish middle-class neighborhood does not mean that my parents are loaded. They are waiters and have worked hard all their lives to be able to provide a loving home for my siblings and me.
Next thing. That my music is “white.” Just because I don’t often listen to music that is rap or hip hop doesn’t mean that I will know songs that you categorize as “white.” Artist like Kid Cudi and Kanye draw inspiration from bands like Death Cab and Bon Iver, which are quite different from the music they make. This is a perfect example of music knowing no barriers, which is something everyone should learn.
So basically I think for me, this is an issue of people making the issue a race issue. Perhaps you just need to step back and analyze the issue in a larger scale and not be so sensitive? I dunno. I JUST NEED PEOPLE TO STOP USING THE RACE CARD WHEN IT’S NOT A RACE SITUATION. Okay this last paragraph is scatter-minded, because I am at work right now. There might be some editing.

Self-love is not so common sense, apparently.

I need girls to have more self-respect and value for themselves. Without these two things, you are no different than a prostitute. To go behind another friend’s back to gain what you desire is no way to respect your friend either. So I’m guessing by acting with such disrespect and backstabbing behaviour, you don’t value any of the times we’ve laughed and cried together. Please don’t be two-faced about this. Everyone would be a little more comfortable if you just came forward and admit you did what you did and then proceed to leave our lives forever. I’m sick of having to pretend that I don’t know so my friend who you’ve hurt can call you out on it herself.

Have you no guilt for any of this?

RESOLUTIONZ

I usually don’t do these, because I end up forgetting them but whatever. These are easy, and I’m an idiot if I don’t remember these.

1. Drink more water.
2. Limit myself to two Coke Zeros a day. Or a cup for lunch and a cup for dinner.
3. Run more. (I bought new shoes to remind myself I paid money out of my own pocket, so I better use the cool technology the shoe has…)
4. Become less attached to my phone. It has been pointed out that I can’t live without responding to my phone whenever it makes a noise, even when it’s on vibrate. Someone thinks it’s so important that all activity should be allowed to be halted in order for me to check it.
5. Spend less on clothes and by the end of this year, cut my wardrobe by a quarter? Is that fair? Basically, I want to get my wardrobe to staple, classic pieces. More mature clothes, less hipster shit.
6. Actually use the flash card app on my iPhone.

What I am proud of myself for in 2010 was my organization and drive to get things done early when I had the time and means to. I think it paid off nicely. Although the whole procrastination and complaining thing did pick up during finals week, I’m glad to say that only minor isolated occurrences of such arose during the majority of the year.

Oh hey 2011.

So a year’s come and nearly gone. What do I have to say for myself? Change has taken my life by storm. I’ve figured out what I want to major in (no clue what I want to do with the major but tiny steps, tiny steps!), found something happy, and found a group of friends I really really like. I mean, we live in the library together, but that’s okay?

Political science with a minor in art. Art history is an ass but a requirement. It’s pure memorization and who sucks at that? Me. Anyways, PoliSci makes me happy. Although the American political system is lookin’ rough, it’s a science looking at it, analyzing it, and trying to fix it and make it work as a career. I asked my vampire what would happen if I just dropped everything and became a trophy wife. He told me that it would be impossible because in 10 years I would end up burning my bra. Plus, I’ve got to become a HIllary Clinton. If you didn’t know, world, I adore Hillary Clinton. I want to become her, without the ugly pant suits and nasty WikiLeaks shiznits though haha.

Finding something happy. I really feel like this is the first time I wished for something and got it? Pining away for this paid off ha. Just kidding. Although we’re polar opposites, it seems to be working great. I like that. A lot.

Friends. I have my “home” friends, and I have my “school” friends. I hope that these school friends will become friends that I will have at my wedding one day. I feel that the girls I have found this year are the type of girls who don’t create drama and are chill and focused on all things academia like me. Yes, we’re lame in that we stick to the library, but we’re also spontaneously fun. I like that we all have an obssession for YoLo and Blue Coast. I like that we can just sit in the library and accidentally take study breaks and instantly go back to homework and studying. I can’t wait to go house hunting with these girls, because we’re gonna live it out like Grey’s without all the angst ha. For the most part, home friends exist and I talk to them a lot. My Asian sister is currently one of the rocks keeping me grounded, and I share a lot with her. I’m glad school hasn’t worn a hole in our friendship. In fact, I think it’s made it stronger.

Latter part of 2010, I really liked you. Thanks for giving me a bunch a positive after pelting me with so much disappointment. I like this spot in life right now and feel as if things shall only get better. But if all else fails, I have a plan. Trophy wife… and then cat.

Summer’s Slipping Slowly

See that? That was alliteration.

Anyways, I’ve been kicked out of both conference rooms in the Mayor’s office, so I’m sitting in the lobby area with the other intern and the receptionist. I really love the receptionist. She’s a freakin’ riot and a gosh darn sweetheart. So I’m sitting on a burgundy couch that’s well oiled and really luxurious looking… I don’t think it’d be comfy to sleep on. I think it’d smell like leather and that oil that they rub on couches like this to make sure the leather doesn’t crack. This couch isn’t even like buttah’ leather. It might be PVC for all I know. Something cool I saw in a cabinet today. Pens made from cardboard and a woodchip for the clip-y part thing where you stick it in your pocket. I don’t make it sound very aesthetically appealing, but they’re cute and ECO-FRIENDLY!

Tomorrow’s my last day in here for the summer. I tried escaping, but my boss is really keen on me staying through the fall semester. But here’s the catch, she’s moving to a different department of City Hall. I guesssss she’ll probably be better suited in her new position. I guess…. I liked her. She has a lot of sass. And I really like her southern accent.

Next train of thought, it’s hot as balls here. 115°F heat index? Really??? Really. I wanna punch something, but that would probably cause me to break into a sweat that would probably flood the area of where I am sitting. Just kidding. I really don’t sweat that much. Only when it’s super humid outside and I’m jogging. Then I get the gross forehead drippy thing going on. That’s about it. Why did I just tell you that? I don’t know. I probably just broke a fuckin’ girl rule right there.

NEWS FLASH. Prop 8 was repealed this afternoon. My thoughts: Okay, fine. Federally it might be recognized as legally alright to marry whomever you may see fit, but until the majority of America accepts it to be the social norm, they’ll just keep appealing it. Look what happened in Argentina. The government passed a law, but the country’s Catholic church is calling it blasphemy and refuses to acknowledge it. NEWS FLASH 2. August 26 is the 90th Anniversary of the 19th Amendment. I haven’t voted yet, but I’m registered and going to exercise my abilities when it sees fit. Haha I still have the 50’s housewife dreams though. Sigh.

So this couch is officially hurting my butt.

My internet is an idiot and so is my iPhone.

I had some thoughts, but WordPress on iPhone is a tricky one. I made a list. Number one on this list was that I have come to the realization that being a doctor is not the only career that will deem me successful. Other majors are acceptable. This summer has taught me that. The other thoughts in this list are lost. Effin’ phone… I really love you and would have no other phone though.

I hope this realization brings me luck for this coming semester. I need a good break.

Dealing with Grief

I’m in one of those moments where I am thinking about other people and how they are able to feel the way they do and how sometimes I feel like a robot.

A couple days ago, one of my closest friend’s uncle passed away. Her mom called me on the phone asking if I wanted some company at my house- I was really confused. I could hear someone making that gasping, hysterical you usually hear when: a) someone is laughing hysterically at their mom calling their best friend or b) crying hysterically out of pure loss and grief. Her mom didn’t realize that her daughter hadn’t told me about her uncle’s death. When she did, all I could conjure from my mouth was, “I’m so sorry, my condolences.” The girl crying due to situation “b” is the same girl who had tweeted earlier all happy go lucky about whisking me away to go do some retail therapy. Although my grandfather and an uncle died a couple years ago, I never cried for them. Sure, I’ve gone to temple while in NYC to pray for them, but no strong memories lay embedded in my mind enough to trigger tears in the sheer amount that I heard through my cell phone.

In the last 24 hours, thoughts have passively floated within the confines of my cranium. Thoughts regarding my inabilities to say the “right” things, my inability to connect at some level with family death, and how maybe I am putting too much thought in this as people deal in different way. I find myself to almost avoid having to bring up the issue to my friend. I avoided calling her and only hoped that my other friend would give her a ring and talk it out. I made sure to tell her that I loved her though and can only hope that will make her day a little easier.

So I can only conclude that time cures everything and although everything might hurt like a mofo at the moment, it will all come to a calm eventually.

I feel like a big fat failure sometimes.

Today the U.S.A. got eliminated from the World Cup, and I’d love to blame that for the emotional roller coaster but that would be lying.

Just for the record though, I love you, Landon Donovan. Don’t listen to my friend Martha and Bertram who make fun of your voice.  Give up your estranged wife and marry me instead? I promise to be the best WAG ever. Haha kidding.

Anyways, you know when you have days when you feel like you’re putting every drop of blood into whatever you’re doing, but the results are shitty, for lack of better words? Yeah… make that finals week. It’s a bit late to be writing this, since school ended weeks ago ha. My finals weren’t as hot as I had wanted to be and now I am at lost as to what I want to do it life. Oy the melodrama of it all. So I did some crying. Does crying help? For me it does. I don’t know if it does for you, but when the going gets tough, I embrace the excuse of being a chick and bawl until my nose gets all rosy and my eyelashes get stuck together from all the tears and vision resembles one of a kaleidoscope.

What to do, what to do.